... and it looks like he's staying for a while...
I don't know if I've just hit "the wall" these past few days and am a bit more sensitive (for want of a better word), but "he" seems to be staying for a bit. I think the meds aren't as effective as they were, but to get them ammended means that I have to tell his CPN and Dr, and then he will know I've said something. "We'll ask CT how your mood swings are and go from there..." was said at the last meeting, and blow me, his memory might be shot, but he does remember this. It's back to cloak and dagger and speaking to the CPN when he isn't about, and pretending in the next meeting that all is well, when really it isn't.
This morning he announced that littley wasn't allowed the present he'd given the green light too last week. Major disappointment for her. Middley is so upset about it because she knew that littley would love it. It's something she's asked for since she was three, and they were thrilled that daddy was going to let her have it for her birthday. "Why is daddy allowed anything he wants, and he says no to littley's present? It's ruined it for her" with held back tears. She is going to love her present, she doesn't know about the almost one, but I just feel so sad. They don't ask for much, they really don't, and to see the happy smiley faces of biggey and littley when daddy told them that she could get this present was lovely. To see the disappointment - not.
My attitude is causing an issue. I don't think I have one (I really don't). I've gone into neutal. I'm trying not to show any emotion at the moment. It's not worth answering back, arguing, pleading, showing affection (last night I ruffled his hair and all I got was "why did you trip up and use me as a prop - I bet you've been drinking vodka" I didn't trip up and I hadn't been drinking vodka - or anything else come to that). He didn't want me in bed last night. It's going to get to the point where I'm not allowed to sleep there again and I'll be back on the sofa. I repulse him. He can't stand the sight of me. Yet like a light switch hubby comes back and it's smiles and twinkles putting up pictures (he has a thing about pictures in that he won't stop buying them, which upsets me again because of finances, I wouldn't mind if I even liked the sodding things). I feel for as much as he's disappearing into the background when other hubby turns up that I am too. I feel like a coloured tv show that's slowly turning black and white where I just get on with things in a robotic fashion, trying to hold back tears so I don't get wrong for being upset.
I resent this illness for making me feel selfish. I resent it because either he will die young or he'll live to be 107, either way we're buggered. It's like having an extra child who won't sit on the naughty step, and there's no reasoning or logic and you're never right. I resent stupid little things like having to watch a programme about boats when there's something I'd like to watch and even though he isn't watching it because he's on his laptop or looking at a camera magazine, I'm not allowed to change channels. Petty things like that.
He had a tooth out last week and he's been complaining for the last couple of days about feeling something in his gum. He wouldn't let me call the dentist and today I told him to open his mouth so I could have a look. There was something there and I could feel my stomach churning. He told me to push it to see what happened. It was a pea. We haven't had peas for days - like I mentioned yesterday, he doesn't even like the sodding things. What did he do? He ate it. Horrid.
It's Dementia week this week. All of us who live with this illness, and work with this illness know what it's like. It's horrid and evil and takes no prisoners. It doesn't care who you are, age, creed, religion and it just gnaws away at you. I always knew what Dementia was, but was not aware of the amount of pressure that a carer feels. The feeling of the world being on my shoulders. The fact that I am responsible for a loved one who has lost responsibility. It's exhausting, emotional, sad and I grieve for the person I'm losing, but it's how I feel like I'm losing a little bit of me here and there that I was not aware of. Carers need to be thought about too (regardless of illness). It's isolating and lonely and I feel like I could stand and scream some days, but then you'll have a good day, maybe a good few days and I forget how awful it's been, I put it to the back of my mind and you get on with it and make the best of a bad situation. I just need a good day lol. xx