I've missed blogging for a couple of days. Whilst it has been lovely, it's also been manic. A birthday, a bank holiday, a trip to the dentist's and also the vet's (although not related lol).
His moods seem to be more changeable than they have been for a while and I'm hoping that we're not on a little downward slope. This afternoon I got my head and my hands and my brains to play with because I'd taken money out of the bank to pay for the the dog's trip to the vets. He hadn't wanted me to, yet he had, but no, I hadn't been listening, I'm not allowed to do have anything to do with money, I make things up so that I can confuse him at a later date. His words are mingling more, he's knackered but he won't slow down and my head is all over the place. I'm tired. Not physically tired, but mentally tired - if you can be. I could sleep, and try to, but was kicked out of the bed last night (literally) and couldn't get back in so managed to get in upside down (top and tail) and then woke up with him cuddling my leg, only to be bo**ocked for not being the right way up - I just seem unable to win at anything at the moment.
The thing that confuses me the most, and I apologise for being so near the knuckle (or honest), but when you're being shouted at and snarled at it's very difficult to want to be close to him (intimate for want of a better word). When he first went onto his meds it wasn't an issue because he just wasn't interested, and I felt a sigh of relief (I know, horrid wife - again), Yet now, he is interested and, well (again being honest) I'm not. I've got it into my head that I'm taking advantage or something. How do I know it's something he wants or if he feels he's being lead somewhere he doesn't want to go but feels he has to. It's just not on my agenda anymore, something that has mixed signals for both of us. Yes I'm his wife, but I'm also his carer and when you're doing the caring side (although I don't do anything for him whatsoever...) it can be difficult for me to put my wife hat on. I love him to pieces, I really do and I am lost without him, but this is something that I'm going to have to work on, it's not his fault - it's in my head. When I have the wife head on I find I have to do more and more "care" things, yet when I go into care mode he resents it and then it's difficult for me to want to be intimate with him. I do love him, I just don't always like him, and having sex with someone you don't like... well, I find that a difficult thought. If you back down you're just going through the motions and neither really enjoys it, or if you stand your corner then you're a s**t wife. It's just another case of "I can't win".