Feeling flat.

I'm in a tizz with myself to be honest. It's funny how something someone else says can have a knock on effect with your mood. For the first time in a very long time it wasn't hubby that has caused this feeling in me.

I went to my mum's house on Friday night for a weekend down there with hubby, the girls and the dog. I'm always a little on edge about these things, but all in all I have had a lovely, lovely time.

My brother turned up on Friday night unexpected and took something I said to mean something else. Now, if I'm going to say something that I'm thinking, I say it. I don't double it up to confuse people, I say what it is and take the fall out from it - if that's what is going to happen. I said something, he took me to mean something that wasn't mean, implied or even thought and a mini rant took place (from him, not me). I didn't enter into an argument, so it can't be called that, but after he stormed out of the house from his mini rant I left it at that until he came around on Saturday night. I tried to clear the air by saying that what he thought I'd meant by my comment wasn't actually what I meant or had even thought and it went down hill from there. Of course I'd meant it how he'd taken it. I'm the sweet and innocent one who viels her thoughts by trying to confuse using big words. It's always me that's the good guy. I'm always the cause of an argument. I have no reason to be upset. I have no reason to be upset by the texts that he sent hubby after he'd left because I shouldn't have seen them (I saw them because I'd asked him to send me dad's mobile number so I could contact him, but I'd left my phone at home and it was hubby's he sent it to and the texts were sat there - I did not go spoaching through hubby's phone, as I have been accused of). I put on crocodile tears to get sympathy. I do nothing for him. I look down my nose at him. I think I'm better than him. I don't treat him as an adult. I have no reason to worry and stress and I use hubby as an excuse.

These words, added to the texts I saw have sent me reeling. I now know exactly what he thinks of me, and I'd always thought I had a special relationship with my brother, but now I know different. What had started off with me trying to clear the air with him ended up with horrible things being said to me, and after a couple of days mulling it over the dynamics have changed. What was me trying to sort things out has in effect turned the argument around. I tried to clear the air. It wasn't accepted and now, with everything that has been said, from my viewpoint, I am not the one that has anything to apologise for - although, I didn't apologise for what I had said on the Friday night because I didn't say what he thinks I did, but I did try to clear things up, so as far as I can see (and I might be wrong) but I had tried to sort out the original episode. Now, it's him that owes an apology, and it's him that is going to have to work hard to get our friendship back on course because now it's been said I know that's what he thinks of me, and I can honestly say that I have never been as hurt as I am by anything anyone else has said to me. I know that I'm upset and hurt because I didn't retaliate. I didn't shout or argue or say anything mean back. I stood there and took it and just had tears running down my face. The fact that I'm not shouting or ranting or saying horrid things shows just how hurt I am by him. It's also not a very good place for him to be in because it means that for the moment, he's out in the cold. He might be thinking that I'm going to beg for forgiveness for the thing I never said in the first place, but it will be a cold day in hell before that happens, and whilst he thinks he has been wronged, when it dawns on him what he has said, and how hurtful they are and the fact that I'm not going to take him on about it, he will realise that I'm not playing his game. I have, in the past, put up with hubby's outbursts so that I can do things for him, because I do do things for him, and have done a lot, and whilst I'm not playing the "yay - look at the things I've done for you card" because I don't do it for that reason, I am taking a step back from this relationship until I have licked my wounds.

He was supposed to be coming to our house last night, to spend the day with hubby today and he hasn't. I've had to lie to the girls about him working and that's the reason he's not here, but that's not the truth. Whilst I understand him not coming, because he is afterall still mad at me, he has let me down by not coming because at the end of the day, it wasn't me he was coming to see, it was hubby, and whilst I don't think much of him at the moment, I think even less because of that.

I'm trying to head off this feeling of hurt, because if I don't, I'm going to hit "the wall", and whilst hitting the wall because of the situation we in this house are in is allowed, I'm not allowing this to let me crumple. I just don't understand how people don't think that their behaviour or what they say can have a knock on effect of what happens in our house, like I have to all of the time.