Free falling.

I'm coming to the conclusion that sometimes this illness feels like we're free falling. Having jumped out of a plane and the only time we'll hit the ground is when it rushes up to meet us. Sometimes we have a parachute on, other times it fails to open. I kind of feel like we're on a "fail to open" moment.

Hubby seems to be in his own little world whilst still being in ours. I don't mean that he's "not here", I just mean that regardless of what's going on at any given time, it doesn't matter. If he wants something done it's done, whether you're cleaning the toilet or not. It's not an issue as such, but it's sooo frustrating. You're trying to do all the things that he's wanting you to do but then get stopped from doing it because he wants something else done now.

I've only just noticed over the past couple of days that he's using my name a lot. There will be complete silence as he's varnishing away in the kitchen and you'll hear "Constance" and he's wanting you to give your thoughts. I'm now savvy (yay me) and say "well, what do you think?" or "hmmmm... how do you think or feel about that?" rather than give my opinion first because then I can gauge how my answer will sound. If it's something like "Do you think I should sand down the varnish and then give it another layer?" I can say "What are your thoughts? Do you think you need to do that?" and that gives him the chance to say "I'm not sure. If I do it will go darker" and then a conversation can start about how dark you want it to be and I can say "I'm happy with what you've done, but if you're unsure or not happy with it, then why not sand it down and give it another layer". That way the decision is his, I've not told him to do something and I can back up decisions which ever way they fall. I'm going to keep using this process until it works no longer :o).

I had a call from Hubby's social worker today. She wants to come out to close down her being Hubby's social worker. Now whilst we don't use her now, the knowledge that she was there in the background was comforting. It just feels a tad like one of our airbags on our little boat with no engine has come off. I have a horrid feeling that once we don't need her we will - does that sound stupid? Yes, it probably does, but I know what I mean.

I am paddling about like buggery here trying to make that Swan swim gracefully across the water, and unless you're in the house you don't see it and it looks like the water is calm, but it's not. It's choppy and and can veer onto 5" waves, but I try my best to make it look like we're just coasting along. The sad thing is that I seem to be doing such a good job that the people in place to keep everything ok seem to be jumping ship (like what I did there lol).

Oh. I haven't even got that Sonic Brush cleaner thingy from my mum yet, and already the comments of "even your mother can see you're doing no housework" comments are rife. I mentioned to him this morning that I'd had a really good sleep last night and he turned around and said "oooh - that means you'll get lots of cleaning done today then". I just smiled, but I will be going around the house with the Lemon scented furniture polish just to make sure there's that clean smell for him walking through the door :o)

I think I could work in MI5 or something similar. This Dementia m'larky doesn't half make you good at being deceptive and duplicitous lol.