I hit the wall.
I've had a few days off from writing my ramblings. I hit the wall. I could see it coming and couldn't do anything about it and I crashed into it big style. Compounded by a night out with a few glasses of wine at a friend's house (although her magic refilling meant I drank more than anticipated) I crumpled. In hindsight I needed to hit the wall, because after I've done it, dusted myself down and got myself up again and I feel like I can take it all on again, but the run up to it is awful.
The run up to the wall makes me feel like such a failure. I hate myself, I hate my life, I resent this illness more than usual (was going to say "normal" but since that doesn't exist, I changed it). I feel like I'm walking through setting concrete, I agree with all the awful things hubby says to me, I hate how I look (being of the fatter end of the fat variety) and I generally just feel like I'm wasting oxygen.
I've had so much more on my plate recently. I've had Biggey and her behaviour (or lack of it), Littley with her Alopecia, hubby in a decline - I think. I had the Social Worker on the phone last week wanting to come out so that she can discharge us, I've had our Consultant appointment cancelled because she's on holiday, and whilst we went to the ammended appointment yesterday we were told that that it was the 24th of next month not this month. My only comment was that next month isn't a Monday, and that was the day I was given and the date that was written on the calender. Seeing as how they want to up his meds, why they moved his appointment back a whole month is absolutely beyond me, but heyho - what do I know?
I've been feeling very isolated and abandoned by the people who are supposed to make me feel not isolated and abandoned and that helped with the wall. I've been letting things get on top of me. I've been feeling sad - not depressed, but sad. I've been resenting how this illness is going to take hubby away, I've been upset by comments from family that made me feel like my feelings and thoughts on the matter are unfounded. I've gone into myself further than I normally do and I've let the wall creep in from the shadows and go "dadaaaaah". It's all my own fault, I let things get on top of me. I've known it was coming and I didn't take a step back to prevent it. I've felt like a shadow of myself. Like I'm a doll in a doll house that's only played with and then put back in the box when I'm not needed. My bath was taken out months ago. It was my only bit of me time and I miss the "shut the door and close out the world" of having a bath. Add to that, my favourite tree (my one tree lol) that I have grown from a twig (and I mean a twig) with beautiful green leaves that waved and bobbed in the wind and was my little bit of feeling like I still live in the wilds of the countryside was dug up and taken away because he didn't want it. I just felt like another piece of me had gone - and it's only a tree for God's sake.
It's taken me over a week if I'm honest about it to hit rock bottom. It's taken a couple of days to dust myself down. I went to bed early last night and slept like the dead. I got up this morning and made pancakes with the sun shining. I've gotten two loads of washing out. I'm going to bake later this morning. I've been in the garden and seen that I have little ballet dancers on my Fuscia. Seeing these little ballet dancers is what finally made me smile. Little things and all that.
Whilst hitting the wall is awful and horrific, now I'm on the other side of it, I feel all the better for it now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... bring it Hercules ;o)