Limbo

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm sick and tired about stressing about money. I'm tired of scrabbling about in my purse for coppers. I'm tired of all the bills that I have to juggle. I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. I seriously think that this illness would be easier to deal with if it were not for me stressing about finances. I worry about how we'll afford things later when I find it such a struggle now. I worry about what happens when he dies (I mean in the future, not now) because if I struggle now, I'm going to be screwed later. I'm tired of arguments about money, because believe it or not, if it's money we're talking about he remembers everything. I'm tired of saying "no" to things. I'm tired of worrying about trips and spending money. I'm tired of thinking about Christmas months and months and months before it happens. I'm tired of worrying about birthdays. I'm tired of trying to make the weekly shop as inexpensive as I can, and still falling short towards the end of the week. I'm tired of feeling worthless because I'm struggling with all the plates. I'm just really, really tired. I never thought when at school or college that life would be so difficult. I was naive. You watch all the tv and all the films and things are sunshine filled and full of wonderful lives where things are perfect, and big reality check - it doesn't happen to everyone. It didn't happen to us. I sometimes resent this illness for all the things that have been taken away, and I don't mean material things, because those things never interested me. I'm resentful for the struggles it causes. It's like standing in a room full of mirrors and every reflection is standing there waving a bill of some description. Mortgage. Electric. Gas. TV licence. Phone. Car Insurance. House Insurance. Petrol. Shopping and anything else I haven't put down. You tighten your belt and you tighten your belt and you tighten your belt, but what happens when you run out of belt? I'm just so sick and tired of feeling like this. Just once, it would be nice not to have to add things up in my head to make sure I have the right money, but that isn't going to happen, and I know there are people worse off than us, and dear God how they cope I don't know. I just feel a bit like I'm standing looking at myself and I'm watching myself fade away. There's less and less of me there, and that's not what hubby needs, and it's not what the girls need, and to be honest, it's not what I need. I need a kick up the arse is what I need.