Why?

This afternoon is our appointment with hubby's consultant. He has been distracted from this with the saga of his teeth and the pain he's been in, and he's still in a lot of pain because he was up and wandering around at 3am this morning. I had originally thought him getting up meant it was time to get up so when I pulled the curtains back and saw it was still dark outside it twigged that no, it wasn't time to get up. I let him sit peacefully and waited for him coming back to bed. His fettle had been so vile before bed that I thought I would simply aggitate him if I got up with him and this would further annoy him and cause him more aggrivation. He told me this morning that he'd gotten up and I just told him that I knew but I'd let him sit in peace.

Now the dr's fill me with dread. It's awful. They sit there and ask things and you have to answer, but I never seem to answer anything right for my husband and I always make things worse so now I just sit and smile and lie and brush things under the carpet. His CPN rang me this morning - this is how I get my things across without saying them infront of hubby so that they have an idea about how things are without it being said in the meeting. They also steer the conversation with hubby on the back of our conversation, and they're not daft, they know when he's bluffing them - although he doesn't know this.

When being asked things, why do I always feel like I'm being deceitful by answering them honestly? I feel like I'm being duplicitious and I'm betraying hubby. His moods have been all over the shop, but I did say that this would be down to the pain he's been in recently because of his mouth. Yes, he's been bad tempered, but so would we be if we were in the pain he's been in. "How's his memory?" Well I do think he's more forgetful. I have noticed him second guess himself. I've seen him look at me in a conversation with others so that I can step in and either speak for him or change what's been said so that he can understand. I've seen him knackered and not be bothered to do things like go to his friends because he's having a bad day and not wanting it to be obvious, so rather than go and show that he's stayed at home. "How's his driving?" Oh, dear God. I hate this one. He's always been a cracking driver. They took his licence off him when he said he didn't always recognise the traffic light colours. He had to go on a course to say that he was allowed to drive (and believe it or not, adding him back onto the car insurance dropped the premiums - even with them knowing he has Dementia. Go figure...). Driving is his life. I've noticed over the past few weeks a little shift in his driving. Like he's second guessing himself all the time. I know we have set up the handsfree on his satnav for his phone, but I don't know if it's so he's driving legally when on the phone (never, ever bothered him in the past) or if it's being used as a back up so it's keeping him right, even on roads he knows like the back of his hand. He pulled out infront of a bus at a round about last night because it was taking too long. I would just like to say that our seat belts work, as they jarred into our necks.

The driving conversations is the one that bothers me the most. Whilst if he's not safe to drive then I would want him to have his licence removed (how traiterous am I?) I also know what will happen if this happens again. We had the "If I don't get my licence back again, I'm going to top myself" conversation. "Don't be daft - course you'll get it back"... but if it's taken off him again then I really don't know what will happen. He'll be like a caged lion which will have a knock on effect on other things and I'm not looking forward to going down that route again. He doesn't think I drive properly, he doesn't like the way I drive. He's pulled the handbreak off because I hadn't put it on right (?), whilst on an incline. I had to put my feet on the breaks so that I didn't roll into the car behind me. When I asked him not to do it again I was spat at. I'm not looking forward to this happening anytime soon.

I don't think his licence will be removed anytime soon, but because they're asking about it, it concerns me that it's an elephant in the room and that ultimately it will be me that says "enough", because how else would they know about it? He's got Dementia, he's not stupid. I think it's a ticking time bomb that's just waiting in the corner.

He's out at the moment. I'm waiting on him coming in. He'll go and have a shower and a shave and a splash of aftershave and he'll be all spick and span. It's funny how on a day with an appointment he does this. "I don't need to shave today so why bother?" is the normal response. Like I say. He's not stupid.