04/09/2013 15:26

It is very confusing being me at the moment. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I know that my brain feels redundant. I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. I just do the same thing day in, day out and I'm tired all the time and could sleep at the drop of a hat and just feel a bit bleurgh.

I'm selfish saying all of the above, I know that, but I just feel like something is missing. I miss work. I miss the company the most, but I miss using my brain. All I really do is cook and clean and clean and cook, and try to keep the waters calm with hubby, but nothing that stretches my brain or imagination. I love my blog, I get to get things off my chest and it is something that I do daily and it's never the same twice, but really, you can't call writing my blog ground shattering or something worthwhile for anyone else - it's simply my ramblings, whinging and rantings that I can't get out in the open in day to day life.

I'm a bit off kilter at the moment, and really I'm not sure why. I'm sure it's the fall out with my brother, and the unintentional upset with my dad that is the root of it, and I think that I'm stressing about tomorrow's Consultant's appointment - probably more than hubby, if I'm honest. The thought of going to another appointment and him "pulling it out of the bag" has my stomach in knots. It's not that I want him to be ill - I really don't. It's the fact that he's a different person in the house to how he is at the appointment, and that I look like I'm making things up or over egging the cake that bothers me. The things that we deal with in the house being brushed under the carpet because hubby decides that all is well and we have the run up (or we will tonight) of the things that I'm allowed to say and what I'm not allowed to mention. This appointment is for his driving licence as well as to see how he's doing, and at the last meeting the prospect of his drugs being upped were mentioned but due to the painkillers he had to have for his ribs, his legs and his tooth they decided to wait until the next meeting - tomorrow. The only thing is is that he's not going to want his meds upped because that would have to go onto the forms for the DVLA and he won't be happy about that.

I've also had a phone call today about him going back to his GP's for a full set of blood tests. He hates needles. It's a year since he last had them and they want to monitor him with another set, but he's not going to be happy about it. Something else for him to get narky about. The other thing he's going to be narky about is that for love nor money can I get through to the man I need to speak to about his NI contributions. I've tried for a week now, and I've made 11 calls to them so far today, but that will mean nothing. Now I know that at the other end they're not all that concerned about his NI contributions, because life expectancy of this illness means that he's not going to need them (not my words - theirs) but it's something else that's bothering him. He'll be here till he's 106, because he's bucked every other trait of this illness, so why him sticking to the life expectancy is going to be any different I do not know.

With him visiting his friend's here there and everywhere - and there's nothing I can do to stop this, this "driving whilst I still can" attitude is unrepentant, but it leaves me on my own with nothing but cooking or cleaning to do, and I just feel lonely and bored. I don't blame him, but the thing he's running from (the loneliness and boredom) is what's being left at my door as a result, and when he's home he's cantankerous and flips on a coin and you never know what you're going to get because he's spent so long concentrating on behaving that when he's at home he doesn't have to, but it just means I spend time looking forward to being with him only to resent it when I do. Just how awful does that make me? Bloody awful.


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