Hello - again :o)

Well I think that's me over the cold :o) It just seems to have hung on and whilst it's not been a full in your face, everything at the same time that lasts a few days it's staggered itself over about ten days with different things each day. I just need to get rid of the cough now and that will be everything gone - yay.

I must admit that the past week and a bit have been a hard week and a bit. I don't know if it was down to me being under the weather and finding it easier to feel disgruntled or if things have taken a turn for the worse and I'm just stressing about it. I've said in the past that I feel more at ease when things are difficult because when they're running smoothly I'm always waiting for the "bang" to happen, but this time the "bang" has hit me hard - and this is a new thing for me, which is something that I'm going to have to deal with, my response to him is not his fault.

We had the funeral of the close family friend last week. Hubby seemed to be doing very well about this (having gotten drunk over the weekend and getting things off his chest), and we drove down (over an hour) and the service was lovely. I could see he was unsettled during the service and I couldn't stop coughing and this irritated him. The thing that amused me was that after the service his mum handed me a packet of mints to help me with my cough - could that not have been done during the service? lol.

We went to the wake and he was fine. We sat with his parents and siblings and we chatted and had a giggle but then he started to get slightly agitated. It didn't help when I went to the buffet and filled a plate for him. He could do this himself, he's more than capable - but I have never ever not gotten the food for him, I've always done it, much to my annoyance at the time but I actually like it now. This was a shocker because usually he just expects me to do it, so to get wrong for doing it, infront of his family, was a new one on me.

At the end of the wake I offered to drive. He said no (of course he said "no", what else should I have expected?) and we got in the car to come home. Now whilst his driving was fine he was tired and upset about the day, but his driving was fine. Then the blue lights came and he swerved to pull into a layby. That was the first I knew that something was wrong because I'd been choking and looking out of the window when he did what he did to be stopped and he'd done it so well that I hadn't even noticed it when he did it. He had crossed two white lines whilst overtaking a wagon (which was speeding but that's by the by) and the policeman stopped him. Hubby had the window down and had apologised before the policeman had said what he was stopped for. Hubby knew exactly what he had done and off he went to the police car. It was like sitting in an episode of "Police, Camera, Action" and I don't suppose it's an episode that his mum and dad will ever forget...

He came back to the car saying that he'd been arrested and it's only because he'd known what he'd done and apologised for it that he was de-arrested and given 3 points on his licence and £100 fine (dear God - £100 fine). He continued to drive home and he was fine. He was calm. This was worrying.

Now you all know that DVLA are investigating him for his licence to drive once his current one runs out in a couple of weeks. Before we left for the funeral I had been on the phone to the DVLA to see what happens if the result hadn't been decided upon before it runs out and I was told that he would be able to continue to drive if his doctor was happy with this - until the decision with a Yay or Nay has been made. Well that went well didn't it...

On the back of being stopped hubby has decided that he's lost his licence. Why the calmness I don't know because I've had to fight tooth and nail to get it so he can keep it, but now he'd just resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose it. I was told to take his card and remove the £100 from the bank to put it onto my prepaid card so that I could pay the fine and that was that. Well that wasn't that... I gave him his card back only to be accused of stealing the money from his account. I'm glad that I took a receipt from the hole in the wall because it proved how much I'd taken out and he couldn't accuse me of taking any more than I had. I went to pay the fine only for the online system to tell me that the information that I'd entered was an "invalid field", so I rang the number on the ticket and they didn't know what I was talking about and gave me another number to ring. The poor gentleman on the other end of the phone couldn't find what I was talking about either and had to go through our details via our registration number and still couldn't find the fine. I think he thought I was making it up, but then said that maybe the policeman hadn't completed his paperwork and that we should give it another week before trying to pay the fine again.

Bloody hell. Since then till now, hubby has decided that he doesn't want to pay the fine. Whilst I was out on Saturday (I never leave the house and on the rare occasion that I do I come home to this...) he had rung the police. He wants to see the camera evidence of this misdemeanor because if there isn't one then it's only the policeman's word against him. I calmly (and this took some doing) asked him why? I told him that if he was going to argue it then it would mean him going to court where he could lose his licence on the points system, have a huge fine and end up paying court costs. I asked him how he could change his mind when he'd admitted (infront of me and his parents to what he'd done) and he just said that he would deny this. I've since been told I'm not to pay the fine, if it ever gets onto the system. 

The predicament that I'm in now is that whilst he did something that he shouldn't have done, and it's sod's law that he was caught, it isn't actually this that is causing me concern. What is causing my concern is his reaction to it. There have been occasions when I've thought he shouldn't have driven, but this one is something that anyone could have done. I'm concerned about his rationality about it since. This is the thing that the dr's are concerned about, his judgement and whilst I'd be upset for him that he loses his licence because of this incident, his judgement over his driving and his judgement about arguing the toss about the driving is what could lose the licence for him, and I can't get him to see this. This misdemeanor will not be taken into account when the decision from DVLA is made (and why isn't it?), but his behaviour is, and at the moment that's all over the place. I've got his consultant to speak to this morning and whatever I say is going to drop me in it from a dizzy height and cause further aggrevation for him. It's a no win situation.

Add to all of this the puppy that isn't acting like anything other than a puppy, the up and downs of his fettles, the arguments (albeit one sided) and it's been a week and a half. He was having one of his rants yesterday morning and I turned to him and said that enough was enough. That's when he went "go and get me the suitcase from the attic and I'll leave" in his nah nah nah naaaaa nah voice and I said no. I just said that yes, enough was enough but that it wouldn't be me that left. He could go. I said that it appeared to be me that was bringing him down and making him worse so it would be better if he found somewhere (harsh, I know). I said that he's like a light switch that can turn on or off at the flick of a button. Everyone else gets the "nice" him and that because he's nice to them we get the "not nice" him and that it's not kind. I said to him that I look forward to a Saturday night where we listen to music on you tube because that's the only time during the week that I know he'll be nice to me, because the rest of the time I'm being called a liar, a thief and any of the other nasty things he wants to say. He looked shocked. He genuinly did. For the rest of the day he was lovely. Until tea time and then it just started all over again. The girls went to bed and I went to our bedroom to tidy and sort clothes because it was easier than listening to him chunter about how awful I am. Yesterday morning I had been shouted at because of socks in his drawer and I had to go and think about them and how I'd put them there. The things I'm getting wrong for are becoming more and more from left field. I told him that I couldn't remember putting his new socks away, that I thought that they were still in their packaging. Well he hadn't done it so it must have been me. I then said that maybe it was and that I just can't remember doing it and then I was accused of trying to lie to hide the fact I hadn't done it. I was well confused by this point and just kept calm and walked away because it's something I can't win by discussing it with him - although it's not a "who's won" kind of accusation because it just self fuels itself, and at least if I don't bite it ends "cue"uicker.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed. It was light (which is lovely) and I was warm and snuggly and was happy just to lay there for a few moments and he rolled over and put his arm around me. I know. Don't fall off your chair or anything, but seriously? A cuddle. I couldn't believe it. I haven't said anything because he was asleep and won't know he's done it and would deny it anyway, but it made me smile because I honestly can't tell you the last time he did that and it was lovely.