I cried today.

Isn't it funny the things that just knock you off your feet? Today hubby has been a bit of this and a bit of that, but he was taking our next door neighbour to see my brother's girlfriend with the possibilty of buying her car. I'm keeping out of this, because I don't want anything coming back to bite me. My brother still isn't speaking to me so instead of coming here they went there. It's only fifteen minutes away.

Hubby came home about an hour and a bit later and that's fine. He said our neighbour had bought the car - fine. He also said my dad was there. Kicked in the stomach. My dad had taken my brother to where she lives, which is about an hour's drive from where he lives, to her place, which is only fifteen mins away from me and didn't pop in for a coffee. Complete and utter wind out of sails. Gutted. I can understand my brother not coming, he's not speaking afterall (well, I'm not speaking, but he hasn't twigged yet), but there's nothing stopping my dad leaving them together and coming over to see us. I didn't even know he was going.

I was going to ring my mum, but decided not to (due to the "you only whinge at mum and dad to get me into trouble" insult thrown at me) and then my mobile went. It was my mum. She asked how I was and I just told her. I know where I am now. I know what I'm thought of, and I cried. I don't often cry, but cry I did. I was really hurt by this. She'd said to my sister that she hoped that I wouldn't find out that dad was coming up today because I would be upset if I found out. My sister went "well "hubby's" going so of course she'll find out", and find out I did.

She knows how upset I am about this, especially since the onesided argument with my brother, and they all know how sh*t it can be here, but I appear to be a non thought now where dad is concerned and this had tears rolling down my cheek - and I'm embarassed to admit that.

Hubby had spent an hour on the laptop last night looking for jobs for me. I could do this, that and the other and stop being such a dead weight in the house. I could bring some money in. We're going to move. You can work as a Beauty Therapist (when I went to college to become a Beauty Therapist I don't know...) you can be an Optician's assistant (same college as beauty therapy then...), you can be an Accountant (I'll give him credit there, I did accountancy at college, but not on the systems that they use now). My favourite was "Oooh. You can work as a Care Assistant Constance." Speechless I was, speechless. Then I said "I do that already sweetheart, but at least I'd get paid and I'd have time off". An hour of this, of me being useless and needing to work and blah, blah, blah. I do work. I am his carer. The problem is that carer's don't get the credit or respect that someone who goes out to work gets, or the money for that manner, and he just sees me as lazy. Don't even get me started on that one.

He lost his temper with Middley tonight. Mind, she was working her ticket, but telling her to go and stand in the garden at 10.20pm because she's such a hot head and needed to cool down wasn't his finest moment. She looked at me, I looked at her and stepped in. "No. She's not doing that". "Yes, she is". "Hubby, she is not standing in the garden. She'll freeze". "It'll cool her down - out you go", and bless her, she went to go but "Middley, come here", and she did.

I just want someone to listen to the fact I think he's declining. I just want his meds upped or us given some so we don't notice the difference. It's starting to be like it was at the beginning, the constant nagging, the insults, the huffs and puffs, the insults, us being wrong, it's all starting to fall about again. I know we have an appointment with his Consultant on Thursday, but I don't think it's going to go as well as Hubby thinks, but then again he'll probably walk it because he's always pulled it out of the bag before.

Oh. Sat at the table in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee hubby and I were talking about my dad. I just told him that I felt that I had no-one, that I can't speak to anyone because of what my brother had said. That my dad wasn't interested in me or the girls and that I will never, never discuss Hubby's illness with my brother ever, ever again. I just said "I'm on my own hubby" and he genuinely looked sad.