It's been a while

I can write at the moment because hubby has gone out to return a coffee machine he bought from the Salvation Army that doesn't work. That would be coffee machine number two - do we really need that many?

I'm finding this illness called Dementia a tad tedious at the moment. Don't get me wrong because I have been taking it as it comes, but these past few weeks have been hard work and the only way to get along with it a little better is by having no interaction with my laptop - which I struggle with because that's how I vent my frustrations.

For all hubby hates me he adores and worships me at the same time. He doesn't like sharing me with others. Middley upset me on Saturday night and I went upstairs to put washing away just to get out of the way and to calm the situation down and I wasn't at the top of the stairs before I heard all three girls screaming at hubby. He had come into the living room and grabbed Middley around the neck and I got down the stairs intime to stop him from hitting her. The girls were terrified. I was terrified but he just looked like he'd "come back from where ever it was he had gone".

I sent the girls to their rooms to calm it down and spoke to him telling him that it wasn't acceptable. I wasn't undermining him, but I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour. He looked oblivious. I went up to their rooms to talk to them and spent ages trying to calm them. He came upstairs and into their rooms and I told him that when they were in their rooms then he wasn't to go into them. That they need somewhere to go and that following them in would further upset them. He just didn't get why they were upset - he'd done nothing wrong.

He apologised to Middley for hurting her. He had not meant to. But seriously? What am I supposed to do now? I've got the girls begging me and making me pinky promise not to tell anyone. How much more do we have to take before someone listens because I was as good as laughed at at the last consultant's meeting, and if we get hoicked into another meeting before January he is going to know it's on the back of something I've said. We cannot win. Constantly Trying 0 - Dementia 1.

We went down to my mother's yesterday to see my lot down there and it was lovely. He drove and I had a few glasses of wine (throughout the day, not in a oner - although I'm thinking that might not be a bad idea...) and there was 9 of us all together and he was on his best behaviour. He'd bought a fire surround and an electric fire from the Salvation Army (add that to Gumtree ban) and he was happy as larry. Except last night he decided he wasn't so out comes Gumtree (effing thing) and off he and my mum go in search of a new fire. When he came back he was convinced I was drunk (I was not) and then went all "horrid hubby" on me. I can't argue with him because that would be the confirmation of me being drunk that he needed. We came home and he was lovely and we put his fire together and all was well. We went to bed happy and got up this morning.

I made him pate on toast and was told it was no good being nice to him now. He happily told me how evil and horrid and vile I was last night and how I'd made a royal show of myself infront of everyone. I can remember all of yesterday but now I'm thinking that I've drunk more than I had and the reason I can't remember what he's talking about is because I was rat arsed. I wasn't, but that's how he works. He plants a seed of thought into your head and then you start doubting yourself and second guessing yourself and by the end of the morning I was convinced that I was an alcoholic. I am not. I've texted mum and sister apologising for how awful I was and they didn't know what I was talking about. So I have made a prat of myself. Constantly Trying 0 - Dementia 2.

He doesn't like sharing me. I know that, but to what extent can I be exclusive to only him? We have three girls and the harsh reality of this illness means that whilst I tootle along with this illness, our girls have to come first. This is the first time in almost two years where I now think that they can't be left alone with him and that is awful. If I have to be not here, then they have to come with me or I'm going to have to have someone else here. I can't have any doubts about their safety and that makes me sound awful (again) because it's not my hubby who is awful it's that other horrible man.

Dementia really sucks.