What is wrong with me?
Apologies for my absence. I've been mulling things over in my head. I just don't know where I am at the moment, and it's very unsettling.
The kitchen is done - wahoo. Yet I feel lost. He's been lovely over the weekend, and he went out yesterday to his friend's house. He's there again today. This is where I get lost.
Where has the conversation gone? At least when the kitchen was being done there was a reason to talk, but that's gone and there's nothing. I don't feel part of a relationship now, I'm just here. We've gone. He gets up in the morning, has his mumbles and off he goes. He comes home and there's nothing. Even last night at the tea table it was head down until tea was gone and then up and on his chair. There wasn't even any complaints about tea, which was unusual because it was pasta, and he's not a fan of pasta.
I'm rambling, I know, and I'm sorry (explains the couple of days absence doesn't it lol). I can talk to him and there is no response. Nothing. It's like a brick wall. I'm sure I heard him call me from the kitchen yesterday, but when I got there he didn't know what I was talking about, so I must have imagined it. Am I? Last night I resorted to "what's the best way to get from here to there, my sister's asking" - she was, I didn't make it up, but having to use that as a conversation just felt sad. He spent half an hour on the laptop to prove to me that his original response was correct. It was.
When he's not home I'm a spare part. I'm bored - I'm sick of housework and cleaning. There's nothing on the tv, the dog can only handle so much walking (as can I if I'm completely honest) and the girls aren't home from school till later. I'm looking forward to doing the ironing later - honestly, how very sad is that?
Middley suggested to me that I should tell daddy that I want the car for a couple of days so I can get out of the house (bless her, she is sharp) and then he can have it the rest of the time to do what he wants. That wouldn't work though because daddy wouldn't stick to a rota, he decides as and when and it would annoy him being told "no". She then said, it still wouldn't work mummy. Why? Because daddy doesn't like it when you're not in the house. He looks lost.
The kitchen had me half way round the bend and back again, but I was useful. When he's not, I'm not useful. He's worrying again about things, and he's looking at houses again, although he said that the kitchen wouldn't be redecorated for another five years, so that was a relief, but he doesn't respond to anything I'm saying and I don't know what he's thinking and it frightens me. He's restless at night time, his leg jiggling up and down, it's doing it at the dinner table. He's rubbing his head constantly, he's tired but he's not sleeping and he just seems to have withdrawn into himself a little bit.
Another thing I've noticed is that he never watches telly. It's crap, there's never anything on it, but the other night he put his laptop down to watch a film that he's seen a fair few times and giggled away at some of it - something he never does. Even if it's the funniest thing on the planet, hubby's face wouldn't let you know, but now there's a giggle or a smile when watching something he'd refuse to watch previously. He even watched Downton Abbey the other night and he refuses to do that, either being on the laptop so he doesn't have to or on the phone so I can't hear it. It just seems everything is a bit higgilty piggilty at the moment.
Oh. Before I forget, I walked down to the shops last night with Middley and saw a woman walking her cat on a lead. Seriously. I thought I had issues...