I have snapped this morning. Not in a loud and argumentative way but in an "enough is enough" way.
I got up to let the dog out. I went back upstairs and was told what an awful liar I am and how I do nothing (again) and how useless I am for not having the back bone to get a job.
I came back downstairs, made him a coffee and got his meds ready and took them upstairs where it continued. I didn't bite back. I simply said that I'm tired of this. He asked if my mother was coming today, and I said I would ring to check, and that if she was that we would be going home with her. Good. Ok, that's sorted. Can you get me the suitcase please (again).
The difference is that when I rang to ask mam if she was coming she said "do you want me to". My answer was "yes". Ok. So mam's coming. I also said that if she did come up that there was a possibility that we would be coming down with her. "Oh." That's the first time I've ever done that. It's the first time I've ever said I want her to come (and I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a way where I need her to come).
Hubby came downstairs and I told her that she's coming. I said that I can't take anymore of this, that I'm exhausted. "Of what?". The brick wall. There is no affection, no conversation, nothing. The only time that he's nice is when there are people to put on a show for. When they're gone so is the niceness. There is no affection, nothing - and I know it's this illness, but it doesn't make it any easier.
He's been up for a bit now and he's coming round to the meds kicking in.
I'm tired of having no money. I can't cut the cloth any more than I have. On Tuesday the cupboards were bare. On Wednesday they were "Dear God, what can I make with this?", on Thursday I was "Christ, please" and yesterday I just gave up. Today the rant from him has been about money.
He asked me how much money I have. That's £9 something or other in my bank, but I can't use it because you need £10 in your account. When do you get more money? That's Monday. What's coming out of it? The car tax, the house insurance, the phone bill, the garage rent, gas, electric and shopping. So what do you need? Anything and everything.
So if I go and do the shopping says he, I'll get my money back on Monday? Yes hubby.
I said to him that I'm tired of this. That all of the money that comes into my account goes on bills and what's left goes on food. His money is his and whilst he does all the things extra (like the kitchen) out of it, it's the extras he does. I'm struggling to make ends meet and pay for things we need, but his money goes on the extras. I never have anything to do anything fun with, but he makes me feel like I'm useless because it's "look at what I've done" with his money. I tried to say that if the car was here rather than here there and everywhere then it wouldn't need this that and the other done on the mot. That the petrol that goes into it isn't covered by doing anything that is needed. That I'm trying to do everything and getting blamed for everything. I said that whilst I know that I have failings, and that I am failing, it's him that tells me I'm a failure. I said that he isn't perfect, but I hope that I don't make him feel the way he makes me feel - a failure.
I feel like a dancing bear that has to beg if I need to ask to borrow money from him. Like he Lords it over me, and I do remember once him getting his wallet out and throwing the money (notes and coins) onto the floor and telling me if I want it, I'd have to pick it up. That was one of the most humiliating experiences I've ever had. I've wanted to ask to borrow some money since Wednesday, but I haven't and I still haven't, but my mam asking if I needed anything brought up and me saying "thank you, but I can't afford to pay you for it" was another humiliating experience.
I know what all of this is about. I know it's because the car needs an mot. I know it's because he got his DVLA letter yesterday saying that it could take six weeks to hear from his Consultant about his fitness to drive, and then the time that it would take them to investigate and the fact that this time schedule will probably mean that his licence will be expired before they've decided, and I know he's worried about money too. I'm still trying to get the mortgage interest thingy sorted, and he just doesn't understand the time it takes to get anywhere with anyone when you're contacting them. I'm also trying to sort out the house insurance with the mortgage company because I've been paying it seperately whilst they've included it in their payments, so yes, money is tight - very tight, and when it does get sorted it means that hopefully we'll have played catch up with the money we should get back, but how far down into the mud do you have to wade before it's sorted?
My husband is getting worse. Yesterday he asked Biggey if she got a different bus to Middley because she was home faster. The reason she was home faster? I had taken her to the hospital to get her wrist checked over. He simply couldn't remember this thing that he knew I needed the car for all week.
So today I just said that if I'm making him as sad as I feel, and if I'm disappointing him as much as he says I am, and if I'm making him feel the way he's making me feel, then maybe it would be better if I went home with mam. It's never going to happen and I wouldn't leave him, but as I told him, I love him to bits, and always have, but I don't have to like him, and that is awful isn't it?